Well shit...

"Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell." (oppisitelock) 01/22/2017 at 15:13 • Filed to: None

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My Dad died. Just got home after a weekend which included driving 800 miles and one of the heaviest and best gigs I’ve seen (Dillinger Escape Plan supported by ho99o9). I was ready to settle down and watch some football, when I get a distraught phone call from my Nana. I raced over, probably trashing the beemers clutch after some dickish panic driving. Found out he had died during the day. He was 50. I had a poor relationship with the man and hadnt seen him since August. I dont even know how I feel. I tell myself I dont feel anything about it, but maybe I do? This probably isn’t an appropriate place for this, but I just needed to vent somehow. Im trying to be strong for family so working through my own feelings has just been left to one side.

Clemsie McKenzie > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:17

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Shit, sorry for you man.

And hey, it’s ok to vent here. We’re all friends, and friends are here for that, too.

$kaycog > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:18

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I’m so sorry. My condolences to you and your family.

DutchieDC2R > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:19

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My condoleances. I cant really dig in too deep since I dont know the relationship you had with your dad, but just remember, there’s nothing against letting a tear or 2...nobody will hold anything against you if you do feel sad about the situation. Equally, nobody can, or should judge if you dont feel particularly sad about the situation. You are the only one that knows how things went down between you and your dad.....Either way, stay strong...

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > $kaycog 01/22/2017 at 15:20

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Thank you, my family are really what I’m worried about. It has hit some real hard.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Clemsie McKenzie 01/22/2017 at 15:20

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Thanks, I feel it helps to write things down. Helps bring order to the chaos.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > DutchieDC2R 01/22/2017 at 15:21

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Thanks man. Honestly I have a lot to work through, I think shock covers your real feelings sometimes.

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:23

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Very sorry to hear mate....vent as much as necessary. I haven’t seen my dad in 14 years and don’t care to - he cheated on our hardworking, wonderful mother, which isn’t something I feel I can ever forgive. Yet....sometimes I wonder if I will feel the same way as you when the time comes.

You’re not alone mate, hang in there and my sympathies for your loss...

Leon711 > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:25

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I’m sorry to hear it. You might not be feeling much right now, you’ll be numb. It’s difficult to say when it’ll hit home. I lost my mum 10 years ago and again she wasn’t particularly old (53). If you need any support give me a shout I’d be more than happy to help out in any way, if you need to vent or anything.

TheTurbochargedSquirrel > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:27

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My condolences to you and your family.

Don’t worry about ranting to us, we are here to help if you need it.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Leon711 01/22/2017 at 15:27

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Thanks man, it’s much appreciated.

Cé hé sin > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:28

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Commiserations to you and family.

FSI - alcohol enthusiast with a car problem > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:29

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I’m very sorry for your loss. My condolences:( Probably doesn’t mean anything coming from a stranger but damn, 50 is no age to pass away. Couldn’t imagine losing my father, he’s 50.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars 01/22/2017 at 15:30

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My father had many demons and I stopped talking to him long ago, with only the odd meeting every year or so through other family. It feels strange. I emotionally checked out long ago and had been waiting for this call as his health had been failing for over a decade. But still I feel like I feel something, somehow.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > FSI - alcohol enthusiast with a car problem 01/22/2017 at 15:32

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No it honestly means something, thank you.

Klaus Schmoll > RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars 01/22/2017 at 15:33

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Shit. My condolences!

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > TheTurbochargedSquirrel 01/22/2017 at 15:33

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Thank you, it does help having a supportive bunch on here.

(Also if it duplicated my comment to FSI, I was kinjad.)

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Cé hé sin 01/22/2017 at 15:33

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Thank you.

SVTyler > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:37

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I tell myself I dont feel anything about it, but maybe I do?

From experience I can tell you having a parent suddenly die is not something you just immediately accept and move on from, it’s a process that takes weeks and months to really come to terms with. Shit, in a way I’m still not entirely over it seven years later. The only real advice I can offer is don’t do what I did and bottle everything up and not talk to anyone about it when you really need to, you have family and friends who love and care about you and are more than willing to help you through this time.

Also to echo what Dutchie said, don’t let those people guilt you into feeling shitty about the thoughts you have or don’t have. No one but you knows how things were between you and your dad, and no one but you has any right to dictate how you respond to this.

bob and john > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:49

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oh....okay. heavy post is heavy.

if you need anyone to chat to, let me know okay man?

TheRealBicycleBuck > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 15:53

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Condolences. I had neither spoken to nor seen my dad since I was little. It was still upsetting when he passed. I felt like we had unfinished business. I hope you don’t feel the same.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > SVTyler 01/22/2017 at 15:54

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Thanks, I’m sorry for your loss too. I have a great partner so I do have someone to talk through it with, who isnt strictly part of the family.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > bob and john 01/22/2017 at 15:55

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Thanks I appreciate it, I think it will take a while before I open up. Just kind of... silent right now.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/22/2017 at 15:56

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I think that may be the case unfortunately. There are many things left unresolved.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:01

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I’m really sorry to hear that

I’m currently at the hospital because of my sister scared shitless right now.

And my dad is 49 so stuff like that is always a little scary

Sorry again.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:02

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My condolences.

Similar to RallyDarkstrike, I haven’t spoken to my father in over twenty years, but I’ve thought about how I would feel in this situation. I can’t really offer any sort of meaningful comments, but I can completely understand what you’re saying about not knowing how to feel.

KnowsAboutCars > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:03

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My condolences. Oppo has previously been appropriate place for stuff like this, I don’t see why it wouldn’t be now.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > KnowsAboutCars 01/22/2017 at 16:05

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I think conventional wisdom is that airing stuff out on the internet isnt always best. Oppo is the exception to the rule though for sure. Everyone here is very supportive.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 01/22/2017 at 16:06

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Oh shit man, hope all goes well at the hospital, is it anything serious?

50 is crazy young, but it wasnt a total shock thing, his body had taken a lot of abuse.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Honeybunchesofgoats 01/22/2017 at 16:07

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Its bizarre. I think the thing that fucks me up is that once, long ago, he was a good man. He hasnt been that man for a long time, but death forces you to consider the past.

interstate366, now In The Industry > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:12

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My condolences.

CB > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:16

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I’m sorry for your loss. As others have said, feel free to vent here and don’t afraid to talk about whatever you’re feeling with friends or family or your SO. Bottling it up does more harm than good.

SVTyler > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:16

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Glad you have someone like that, they’ll be a huge help to bring you back to earth when everyone else’s emotions are running high, especially in these first couple days. I’m so sorry you’re going through this man but in time you’ll find what happened and how your responded to it makes you a stronger person. Just remember to take some time for yourself, and if you need to, ask for help. You’ll find a way to get through it.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > interstate366, now In The Industry 01/22/2017 at 16:21

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Thanks

Svend > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:25

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Bloody hell, really sorry to hear that.

Don’t go putting your own emotions to the side though it may seem a good idea now, it’s never good to bottle it up.

Honeybunchesofgoats > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:31

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I think that’s worth taking into account, and the degree to which it’s worth remembering that good man. But I think it’s also important to moderate that with more recent history.

For me, I’m kind of in the opposite situation. My father was a shitty dad, and I decided at some point that I didn’t want to see him and he didn’t make any effort to challenge that. By all accounts, he seems to be a much better person and parent now, but that doesn’t really change my experience with him. The last time I had contact with him, he had sent me a birthday card for the first time in years. It just so happened that I had recently told my grandmother about how I had been accepted into a fairly prestigious university. I decided to toss it out, and I don’t regret that decision in the slightest.

KnowsAboutCars > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:31

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I very much agree with you on that. I don’t spill out much about my personal life online either (even on Oppo) but it’s great that we have such a great community here.

The Lurktastic Opponaught > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:31

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My condolences for your loss. I wish you all the best in figuring this out. Please let us know if you need help.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > SVTyler 01/22/2017 at 16:50

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I think all I can do now is try and calm myself and start working through it tomorrow. Its all very surreal. I guess I’ll try to relax as best I can and watch the Falcons beat up the Packers.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:50

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Dang.

Many people resist it or look down on it, but I encourage you to seek some kind of counseling, whether it be with a professional or your priest or with a friend. Talking it through really helps.

I’ve been there before and expect to be there again. My mom has cancer and if the treatment doesn’t go well (it isn’t), she isn’t expected to make it through the year.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Honeybunchesofgoats 01/22/2017 at 16:51

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The shitty things unfortunately heavily overweigh the good stuff, he did some things that were unforgivable. Unfortunately the mind still picks at other memories.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > CB 01/22/2017 at 16:52

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Thanks man

BvdV - The Dutch Engineer > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 16:54

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My condolences man. If you need to vent, always know we are here for you.

I hope you find a good way to deal with your feelings.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Svend 01/22/2017 at 16:54

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Ill do my best to talk through it for sure. Right now I’m just kind of exhausted.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > The Lurktastic Opponaught 01/22/2017 at 16:55

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Thanks, I really appreciate it.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/22/2017 at 16:57

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I was actually already in therapy before this (had some difficulties recently) so I’ll be continuing that.

Oh man, thats horrible. I sincerely hope the treatment is successful.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > BvdV - The Dutch Engineer 01/22/2017 at 16:59

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Thanks man.

TheRealBicycleBuck > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 17:38

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Glad to hear you are doing what you need to do, especially if other people are depending on you to be the “strong” one. When my grandmother died, I did pretty well until the funeral. I sobbed like a baby when we got there. For some reason, my uncle thought that was a good time to ask me to speak. Yeah, right.

Thanks for the hope. Every little bit helps.

SVTyler > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 17:47

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Honestly that’s the best thing you can do right now, you got a tough couple weeks ahead of you and taking some time for yourself right now before you throw yourself into the fray will make a difference down the road. Good luck man, hope you get through this alright.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 17:53

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That sucks man, my condolences.

Svend > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 19:19

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OK fella, take care okay.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/22/2017 at 22:31

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It’s a whole nightmare right now. It’ll work itself out eventually. She will be okay though, that’s the big thing.

pip bip - choose Corrour > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/23/2017 at 05:03

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my condolences!

random001 > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/23/2017 at 08:33

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Damn, I’m really sorry to see this. My relationship with my family isn’t the strongest, I think I’d have the same problem with my feelings as you are, but even so I can’t imagine. Let us know if you need anything.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/23/2017 at 14:15

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I can’t even imagine having such a rough relationship with my dad, and then losing him under those circumstances. It seems like, in reality, you “lost” your father years ago, because of what he did and the gulf that formed between the two of you, but you may never have actually grieved that loss. You have my sincere condolences... I’d encourage you to do your best to remember the man he was, and grieve that man who left your life, and now has no chance to ever attempt to make things right and re-enter it.

CaptDale - is secretly British > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/23/2017 at 14:21

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So sorry to hear that. Poor relationship or not, it can still be hard losing a family member. I hope you are able to properly deal with any feelings you have and remember Oppos are here if you need to vent

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > SVTyler 01/23/2017 at 18:29

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Thanks, I think helping with the funeral is going to be the hardest part.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 01/23/2017 at 18:30

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Yeah you pretty much got it, I lost the good man a long time ago. I thought I had accepted that but who knows.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > TheRealBicycleBuck 01/23/2017 at 18:34

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Yeah I’m helping plan the funeral now, basically been forced to take a prominent role in putting things in place.

No problem, even if things seem bleak you never know what could happen. Us humans have a resilience that can overcome even poor odds, always maintain hope.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 01/23/2017 at 18:34

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Thats good to hear that she will be okay.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > KnowsAboutCars 01/23/2017 at 18:35

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Yeah it is.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Svend 01/23/2017 at 18:35

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I will, just gotta find a balance between helping out and not pushing myself too hard.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > random001 01/23/2017 at 18:37

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Thanks, I still don’t think my mind has fully processed it, but I’m doing okay.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/23/2017 at 18:37

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Thanks man.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 01/23/2017 at 18:38

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Thank you.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > pip bip - choose Corrour 01/23/2017 at 18:38

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Thanks.

SVTyler > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/24/2017 at 00:06

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That’s when it really starts to sink in, especially when you get into the details about stuff like “ did he ever say how he’d like to be buried” and “what was his favorite color for the flower arrangements” that drives the point home that they’re really gone. I can’t speak for you obviously but I found it a lot easier once we got all the preparations sorted out, funerals are one of those things where you can spend so much time worrying about making everything perfect and beautiful that you can just end up spinning your wheels, so it’s best to just go with gut decisions and try and do your best. That’s honestly all anyone can ask for in such an awful situation like this.

After all that you’ll hopefully feel a little better. There’ll be a lot of ups and downs in the next few weeks so getting through each step of the journey will feel like a relief; deaths in the family are tiring and stressful so it’s just a part of human nature that you’d want to get it over with, it’s not anything you should feel ashamed or confused about. Even so if you ever need to talk to someone else later please remember this thread, by the looks of it there’s a lot of people here who can relate to what you’re going through right now and are more than willing to help.

Svend > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 01/24/2017 at 01:58

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Good lad.